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	LETS TALK LETS TALK is a series of over 50 articles written by Paul Beckow. These articles are meant to re-create many of the problems and issues brought by clients to the counselling session - and the exploration that occured between the clients and Paul as they pursued the concern at hand. Thus, based upon real and challenging life situations, the questions and Paul's responses, these expolorations allow for contemplation and insight - and have relevency for us all. They are introduced here in the order of their appearance. Client Confidentiality is fully protected. The list of Lets Talk articles may also be found by clicking Articles scrolling down the page to Lets Talk. LETS TALK Understanding and taking responsibility for our anger Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, November 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul I’ve been married several times and I admit my anger has caused lots of trouble in my prior marriages. I’m now in my third marriage. I love my wife, I’m committed to our marriage, and I want to know - can someone really change something like this? David Dear David Can someone learn to live with and manage their anger? Of course, they can. You’re already making a big step towards change when you take responsibility for your anger, when you are on the look out for it and aware of the trouble it can cause in your relationship life. Certainly, that you are wanting to take responsibility this way is a great starting place. Furthermore, you’re right, anger can produce real mischief in a relationship. Unchecked anger can bring fear, distance, protection, and resentment - forces which ultimately make trust, openness, and intimacy, near impossible. To master our feelings and expression of anger there’s lots to understand.............to read more LETS TALK Relationship - Accepting Our Differences. (Because we have them) Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, September 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul When my husband and I have our differences we are so quick to react to one another. He quarrels. I get into it with him.. Then I withdraw. I hate it.. It’s exhausting. Help. Donna Donna, In any relationship, but most certainly in a marriage, we have significant differences. Obviously, you and your partner are VERY DIFFERENT. You have different ways of being, different views, opinions, different likes and dislikes, different values, temperaments. They range from the simple to complex: He wants to have salt on the table or ice cream in the freezer. You don’t. She wants to "ground" your oldest son. You don’t. He wants to go for a third credit line for renovations. You don’t. Our differences are varied and extreme - AND - a natural part of being in relationship. The problem isn’t that we have differences or conflicts. We definitely have them, The problem is how WE ARE with one another when faced with differences..........to read more LETS TALK Gaining Control of Our Negative Thinking Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, June 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor For years, I’ve been very curious about what it takes to be happy in our lives. This was a personal exploration I think I took on when I was thirteen, when my parents separated and my mother explained: “Paul, you see your dad and I just weren’t happy together anymore.” Not happy anymore ! What do you mean? How could that be? What happened? Thus arose a passion and research in my life. This is a report on some of my findings, the principles I discovered.....to read more LETS TALK The Power of Listening Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, May 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul I’m feeling exhausted with my husband. When we discuss almost anything these days we end up quarrelling until one of us gets fed up, quits and leaves the scene. It’s definitely wearing us out. Lorna Lorna, in relationships there may be nothing more important to master than how we are with one another when we have our differences, hurts and grievances. We are so quick to react and defend. Our personal reactions take over and cause real wear and tear. Why do we do this?Dear Paul, I’m feeling exhausted with my husband. When we discuss almost anything these days we end up quarrelling until one of us gets fed up, quits and leaves the scene. It’s definitely wearing us out. Lorna Lorna, in relationships there may be nothing more important to master than how we are with one another when we have our differences, hurts and grievances. We are so quick to react and defend. Our personal reactions take over and cause real wear and tear. Why do we do this? to read more LETS TALK Understanding the Poison Pill of Resentment Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, March 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul These last few years in my marriage have been strenuous ones. I’m feeling unhappy and almost bitter. I do so much in my family for everyone and so little is done for me. What can I do with this resentment that’s building in me? Tanya Dear Tanya I’ve said before in this column that it is common, even normal, for difficulties and challenges to appear in relationship. And that these problems appear precisely to support us to learn and grow in the understandings and skills we bring to life. Relationship is a curriculum, like none other, always inviting our personal growth and development. Yet so frequently we ignore our lessons. Why?...... to read more LETS TALK After You Get Your Valentine - Then What? ( Republication of Saanich News Lets Talk article, Feb 2007. Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, February, 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Remember when Prince Charming kissed his Valentine, the beautiful Sleeping Beauty? He carried her up the stairs, and we saw them disappear behind the Palace Doors? The story ends there. We’re told they lived “Happily ever after.” Now most of us know “this just isn’t so”. “Happily ever after” is a “fairy tale”. In real life finding your prince or princess is not the end of the story - it’s the beginning. And the real question is - After you find your Valentine, then what............to read more LETS TALK Putting the "Happy" in your New Year Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, November, 2010 ( Reprint ) Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul Recently I had the thought that maybe I couldn’t really be happy or satisfied in my marriage for the simple reason that, if truth be told, I had little idea how to be happy or satisfied – in my life - period. This realization shocked me. Brian What a great insight Brian. Yes, strangely, being happy or satisfied is one of the greatest challenges in a relationship - perhaps in life. Our sense of satisfaction is something each of us must personally look after. For the simple reason - no one else will - and further, no one else really can. Have you noticed? Our own sense of real personal happiness is truly up to each one of us. So how are we doing in this regard?........to read more LETS TALK Christmas without Stress Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, December, 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor The holidays are upon us, the count down is on. You’re feeling a little stressed already. Can you notice it? Oh yes, there is excitement in the air, but do you notice you are gearing up, there’s a tension setting in, like you are just beginning a mad race, to some finish-line somewhere. If you’re beginning to feel a little stressed you’re not alone. The Canadian Mental Health Association identifies Christmas as the most stress-filled time of the entire year. They report millions of people experience and suffer, often quietly, from overwhelming stress and tension through the Christmas Holiday. Now isn’t that strange? If there ever was a time to really relax, to take in and enjoy – this is it..... ....to read more LETS TALK Relationship - A laboratory for Learning Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, November, 2011 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor It’s always been my opinion that if you are happy and satisfied in your relationships you can definitely acknowledge yourself because you have really accomplished something. The truth is our record of success in relationships, is not that great. Just look at the statistics. Last year Canada’s divorce rate for first marriages was over 50%. Divorce in second marriages was close to 40 %. This is not uplifting news. And let’s remember, couples begin their relationship lives together feeling strong, enthusiastic, committed to their future ahead. Couples begin with a promise “til death do us part”. So we’re not talking about bad or uncommitted people. Just what is going on here? What are we missing? ....to read more LETS TALK Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, October4, 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul I’m 28 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend over 3 years now. When the topic of getting married comes up I get real panicky. How do I know if he is the right person? How does anyone know if they’ve found the right person.? Susan Dear Susan, What a great question. And my first response to this question is - There is no right person. And, if they are the right one, I can assure you that once you are together for a while, they will become the wrong one. This is the nature of relationship. To quote Will Rogers: “It doesn’t much matter whom one marries for you are sure to find out the next morning that it was someone else!” So what’s going on here? Every marriage therapist will tell you that disappointment is the aftermath of romance. When couples marry the ideals and mood of romance quickly gives way to conditions of reality.... to read more LETS TALK Cleaning up the Mess Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, September, 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul My wife and I had a really upsetting quarrel the other night. This weekend we have hardly spoken. I hate it when we do this. Any advice ? Brian Brian, your relationship, any relationship, is as strong as the skills that you bring to it. The quarrel you had with your wife now calls for clear and skilful actions. The fact is we can, at times, cause lots of mischief in our relationships. We make mistakes – little ones, medium ones, sometimes big ones. Some of our mistakes cause big fusses, hurt feelings, significant misunderstandings, defensiveness and protectiveness on our partners part. When we make mistakes, our tendency is to deny them, often to fail to even see them. Or we may see our mistakes and simply won’t openly acknowledge them. We prefer to hide them, blame the other. To uphold ourselves being right. If we stop justifying ourselves for a brief moment we may see, in troubled moments like you had together, places where we behaved in ways that don’t match our values or our commitment, to our partner......to read more LETS TALK The Art and Skill of Forgiveness Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, August, 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor In any marriage, no matter how good it is, people get into difficulty with one another. We have misunderstandings, we make mistakes. Given this fact, there will definitely be times when we will feel “grieved” or “wronged” - and need the art and skill of simple forgiveness. To practice forgiveness intelligently, genuinely, is key not only to the success of marriage but to our greater freedom and happiness in life. Why? Because anger and resentment, held in memory, are painful and troublesome. These feelings fester and begin to crowd out the feelings of appreciation and intimacy we have for the other.......to read more LETS TALK Avoiding the Blame Game in Relationship Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, July, 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul, Out of your experience working with couples what would you say is the most important skill in making a relationship work?” Les Les, there is a skill that makes all the difference. In my counselling couples, I notice a big trouble maker. And that is, most of us are not “responsible” for our feelings - - and it produces a lot of mischief. What do I mean by that? I mean when we have uncomfortable, upsetting, feelings we tend to blame the other person. We say .” “You did it.” You “made me feel.” As an example, we come home late, we’re hungry and there’s no dinner as we expected, we may become upset and announce, “I’ve worked late and no dinner ready! That makes me furious. What is everyone doing around here?” We blame others for our experience. When we communicate this way we create a lot of upset and defensiveness, distancing, protection. Others can’t hear us very well nor respond to us. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, when we blame others for our upsetting feelings, we give up our own personal power to look after our well being – our own happiness and the good feelings within us. We give this up to the situation. You are responsible for your well being. Each one of us is for ourselves.... .........to read more LETS TALK Being Gentle with Ourselves (Part One) Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, April 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul I feel low these days, down on myself. No matter what I try, what I do, it never seems good enough. I just feel bad lots of the time. Is this a self esteem problem? Bruce Dear Bruce If you want to understand this area we call self esteem, Bruce, first we need to understand the patterns for our feelings about ourselves that were established in our experience as children. When we were children the source of our self esteem was the adults around us. We often felt good, and found our sense of value, through the attention and approval of our care givers. We relied upon others for our sense of worth. This established a pattern................to read more LETS TALK Self Esteem - Being Gentle with Ourselves (Part Two) Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, June, 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul I feel low these days, down on myself. No matter what I try, what I do, it never seems good enough. I just feel bad lots of the time. Is this a self esteem problem? Bruce Bruce, if you want to impact the area we call self esteem, we need to begin by looking a little closer. Just what is it we refer to when we use the term self esteem? We speak of self esteem like it is some “thing” we have - or we don’t have. We say we have “low” self esteem or “high self esteem”. We talk like self esteem is a thing. Although we do speak of it that way, there is nothing inside you called “self esteem”. Self esteem, your experience of yourself, is ongoingly given by your thoughts - what you are saying to yourself about yourself.........to read more LETS TALK We're Seldom Upset For the Reason We Think Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, March 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul, My husband was away for three days on business and didn’t call once and he said he would. I feel hurt, upset, very crazy inside and I just want to lose it on him. Help. What’s happening with me? Carol Dear Carol I understand Carol. There are times in our intimate relationships when things, big and small, can really throw us. Some things happen and we feel hugely upset – hurt, fearful, angry - as you said, a little crazy inside. We’ve all been there. Being in a relationship invites us to navigate our way through moments like this. Want to explore this upset yooure having a little deeper? What most people do when they’re feeling this way is “react.” Let it all hang out on the other. Often called “dumping”. It’s a mystery to me why we choose to communicate when we are in our most insecure and troubled state, when we are most upset. Yet we often do...............to read more LETS TALK Putting the "happy" into the New Year. Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, January 2010 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor My sense is that being happy is a skill. Many don’t see it that way. Many see it like if good things are happening or have happened in life then generally we're happy. If not-so-good things are happening in life then of course we're not happy. In this view being happy in the coming year depends on circumstances, the things that happen in your life, or your personal luck. I dont see it that way. I consider being happy a real skill that we bring to life - a very clear practice that calls for life-long commitment and attention. What is the practice that will put the happy in the Happy New Year ?............to read more LETS TALK Marital crisis can lead to a fresh start Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, November, 2009 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul Recently my wife told me she has been having an affair. Even though she was remorseful and told me the affair was over, I feel hurt and devastated. Tell me, can a couple ever recover from something like this? Bruce First of all, Bruce, I get your shock and your hurt. Surprises like this shake up your whole world. Can a couple ever recover from something like this you ask? Yes, they can. I have worked with couples who have successfully found their way through just this kind of break in trust. Some of these couples would even say that, while extremely difficult at the time, the crisis actually strengthened, in fact saved, their relationship. But a special kind of work faces you both - work that requires openness, authenticity, and commitment. And to find yourself on the other side this work must be done............to read more LETS TALK Taming the Gremlin within Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, October, 2009 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor “Dear Paul My wife and I are quarrelling over almost everything these days. I can’t seem to say a single word without one of us getting upset. It’s tiring both of us out and we’re spending less time together. What’s going on here?” Brent Brent, if I had a loonie for every time a client expressed this sentiment to me I’d be a very wealthy man. What’s happening, you ask? Let me suggest something. If we look closer into ourselves, we will see that there is within our nature as human beings an “always-ready-to-spring mechanism”. This mechanism lives in a constant state of defensiveness. It becomes easily hurt or offended, feels regularly annoyed, judged, and misunderstood. This internal system of reaction takes everything very personally and “goes off” automatically without thought. This part of us has been called many names. The conditioned self. The self- serving ego. The reactive mind. I call this mechanism “ The Mischief Maker” because of the enormous amount of suffering it creates in relationship. Rick Carlson calls it “The Gremlin”, in his book “Taming the Gremlin” (Harper Collins 2003) ........to read more LETS TALK Supporting Your Kids for School Success Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, September, 2009 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul, Summer is over and our two children are returning to grade school. Everyone is pretty excited around here. What specifically would you recommend I do as a parent to support my kids’ success at school? From – They’re off to school. Dear Off to School All children have basic needs that are the foundation for their success at school - and in life. Every child needs secure routines, basic care, good nutrition, plenty of sleep. Every child needs to experience physical safety, the freedom from excessive fears or anxiety. Every child requires emotional security, with its sense of belonging and personal self worth. When these needs are consistently met, children are free to play, to learn and grow with the opportunities before them. That’s how it works. So first of all, don’t underestimate the difference you are already making! But since you asked for some tips, here are a few additional suggestions that support school success...............to read more LETS TALK Why can't we just get along? Taken from: Goldstream Gazette, August, 2009 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul I like summer. It’s the kids being at home and their quarrelling I can’t stand. Last week we took a vacation and I didn’t know what would happen first - either my son or my daughter would kill each other or I’d do them both in! The quarrels, the bickering, the nit-picking. Help ! Sharon Yes Sharon, I understand. At times the bickering between siblings can be extremely trying. I remember those long vacation rides to the summer lake with our kids in the back of the car. “Cut it out! Mom, she pushed me!” “Hey. Get off of my side. Leave my pillow alone” ! “I didn’t say you could play my CD. Give it back.! Daaaaad !” Child care professionals call this “sibling rivalry”. Whatever it is called it can sure disrupt a peaceful home or well deserved vacation ! What stirs this volatile pot? Experts in the field agree that at the root of this competition is each child’s deep desire for the exclusive love and attention of his parents. This can express itself as jealousy, resentments, competition, intolerance. There is quite enough fuel here to set off multiple daily skirmishes..........to read more LETS TALK With special efforts, divorce can work Goldstream Gazette, July 06, 2009 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul, My husband and I have decided to divorce and I am very worried about the impact on our three children. In your opinion can kids be okay coming through a divorce? Anne Dear Anne, Certainly, children can be okay. Fortunately, as divorce is common enough today. In Canada, over 50 % of marriages end in divorce. It’s not unusual in a school classroom to find children from split, single, or blended families. Many children talk of having “two moms and two dads,” “being at Dad’s for the weekend,” “playing with my step-brother’s play station,” etc. and they are okay. I see many children doing just fine with their parents’ divorce. But let’s consider another question: Exactly what does it take for children to be okay in the face of divorce?.......to read more LETS TALK What about me? When’s it my turn? Goldstream Gazette, June 16, 2009 Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul, Being in my family is never-ending work, doing one thing after another for everyone else. I am unhappy, I don’t like it. I just want to scream, “What about me? When’s it my turn?” Donna Dear Donna, Learning to make ourselves happy, to take care of ourselves, is a basic necessary life skill in any relationship. The fact is that we can make ourselves very unhappy. One of the ways to make our selves unhappy is to consistently forget ourselves or deny ourselves. Let me explain. Without really thinking about it, some of us assume a structure of personality aimed towards constantly pleasing, taking care of and doing things for others. We have been doing this most of our lives. Very early, somewhere in our family, we learned that it was a right and noble way to be. It may have been a special “role” we assumed. We received a lot of strokes or acknowledgement from others for being this way. It felt good back then. However, now as an adult, this way of being can be a path to festering resentment. ..........to read more LETS TALK To Mothers Everywhere Goldstream Gazette, May 9, 2009 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor I remember being 10 years old, away from my family at my first ever summer camp. At “rest time” I would quietly walk off through the woods, all by myself and whistle my mother’s favourite Broadway songs, as loudly as I could. Gosh, how I missed my mother and my family home. These songs, and my walk through the forest, evoked a mix of joy and sadness acknowledging a truth deep in my heart. That is, there was nothing I was more grateful for, in my entire 10 year-old life, than my mother. I recall at 12 years old, spending hours at night at my back yard ..........to read more LETS TALK Communcation - The search for Understanding Goldstream Gazette, April 15, 2009 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor Dear Paul, My husband and I are so quick to react to one another these days. We disagree at the drop of a hat. Our communication feels impossible and leaves us both worn out. Do you think we have a communication problem? Lynn Do you have a communication problem, you ask? Yes, you do. At the same time, Lynn, there is nothing wrong. It is not personal and you are by no means alone. For human beings, communication IS a huge problem - a real and ongoing dilemma. Let me explain. It's mystifying how muddled our communication can become; so full of misinterpretations, reactions, hurt feelings, misunderstandings. Why is communication such a problem? .......to read more LETS TALK Relationship - So much to learn Goldstream Gazette, March 18, 2009 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, Marriage, Family Counsellor There is nothing more basic to our sense of well being and accomplishment in life than feeling successful in our relationships, being connected in our families – with our partners, our children, our parents, our extended family. If you are happy and satisfied in your family relationships you can acknowledge yourself for you have definitely accomplished something. Why? Because our record of success in relationships is not that great. Look at the marriage statistics......to read more LETS TALK After you get your Valentines, then what? Goldstream Gazette, February 2009 with Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, couple, and Family Counsellor Remember when Prince Charming kissed his valentine, the beautiful Sleeping Beauty, then carried her over the palace threshold? The story ends there. And we’re told they lived “happily ever after.” Yet notice no one followed the happy couple behind the palace gates to see just how they resolved who does the dishes after dinner or feeds the baby when she’s crying at 2 in the morning? In real life finding your prince or princess is not the end of the story - it’s the beginning. And the real question is - After you find your Valentine, then what? From my experience counselling with couples, knowing the challenges that face any couple, here are some tips - six keys to keeping your marriage strong, healthy, and satisfying. Tip # 1: Learning to make yourself Happy There is nothing more important in relationship than learning to make your own self happy. It is an art......to read more LETS TALK Living Lightly - Living Freely Saanich News, October 2007 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, couple, and Family Counsellor For years, I’ve been very curious about what it takes to really be satisfied and content in our lives. Perhaps my curiosity began at thirteen when my parents separated and my mother explained to me: “Your dad and I just weren’t happy together anymore.” I wondered, how can that happen? Not happy anymore? It struck me as very strange - and very sad. Or maybe this interest appeared because I could see the stress, confusion, and mischief I could create in my own life - and it shocked me. Or perhaps my curiosity was driven by my desire to substantially contribute to my clients in their search for clarity, freedom, and power with their life situation. Whatever the reasons, I was committed to uncovering the secrets of being contented in life. I decided I wasn’t going to settle for anything less than the mastery of being the source of my own satisfaction and happiness. So I got down to work. In my exploration I came upon insights that firmly rocked my world.....to read more LETS TALK Making Your New Years Resolutions Stick! Published: Saanich News January 3, 2007 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, couple, and Family Counsellor It's that time again, New Years. With the excitement of a new beginning and your New Year’s 2007 resolutions in hand - things are going to be different around here! Right? Wrong ! New Years resolutions. Weve all made them. Yet few of us stick to them. Within weeks, perhaps days, the drive and energy for change dissipates and we find ourselves disengaged, if not totally lost, to the promises we made. So just what is going on here? .....to read more LETS TALK Christmas - a time to take care of youself. Saanich News, December 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual, couple, and Family Counsellor A few days ago, a friend of mine said to me, “Christmas is such an exciting time of year but the whole holiday exhausts me. The trick, if there is a trick, is to enjoy it.” Now, isn’t that strange? If there ever was a time of year to really relax and enjoy - this is it. Christmas is the shared spirit of community and celebration, the gathering of family, gifts for all, fine food, bright colourful lights, beautiful music, days off, and excitement in the air. One must wonder with all the wonderful activities and traditions of Christmas just how can we possibly mess it up? Simple. We can mess it up exactly the same way we mess up things in our everyday life. In all the “doing” we lose touch with ourselves. We lose ourselves in our worries, plans, obligations, ....to read more LETS TALK The Skill of Acceptance Submitted to: Saanich News, September 20, 2006 With Paul Beckow Individual, Family and Couple Counsellor Dear Paul I lost my job over three months ago. I’m totally annoyed at the company and the way they let me go. Being out of work changes everything for me and my family. I feel mad – and stuck. Bill Dear Bill Our lives are full of unexpected events - from the more common happenings of daily life: Someone cuts you off in traffic You receive an unanticipated bill You spill coffee on your shirt at work To the more life-threatening, difficult-to-confront, challenges: Your teenage daughter informs you she’s pregnant You fall and have a serious injury Your husband has just been told he has cancer What do these events have in common? They are FACTS. They are true, real, actual facts. They may be unexpected, unwanted facts. Still they are facts. They are “what is”. The present fact in your life, Bill, is – You’ve lost your job. Human beings, deal with the “facts” in their life in two distinct ways. The first way we’ll call “reaction”......to read more LETS TALK Back to School Success Submitted to: Saanich News, September 3, 2006 With Paul Beckow Individual, Family and Couple Counsellor Dear Paul Summer is over and our two children return to elementary school. Everyone seems excited. As a parent, what could I do right now to support my kids’ success at school? Back to School Dear Back to School, There are fundamental needs all children share that are the foundation for success at school and life. Every child needs good nutrition, consistent, secure routines, plenty of sleep, and lots of basic care. Every child requires a sense of personal safety and freedom from excessive anxiety or fear. Every child needs emotional security with it’s sense of belonging and self worth. When these basic developmental needs are met, children are free to play, to learn, to socialize and actualize themselves with the opportunities before them. My point is - don’t underestimate the difference you already make. All those things you are doing in your family to secure your child already contribute powerfully to their readiness for school. Keep doing them. Since you asked for some tips, here are a few additional things you can do that will support school success.......to read more LETS TALK Being Gentle on Ourselves Taken from: Saanich News, August 16, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Dear Paul I feel low these days, down on myself. No matter what I try, what I do, it never seems good enough. Is this a self esteem problem? Bruce If you want to understand this area we call self esteem, Bruce, first we need to understand the patterns that were established in our experience as children. When we were children the source of our self esteem was the adults around us. We felt good, and found our sense of value, through the attention and approval of our care givers. We relied upon others for our sense of worth. Then, as with all children, there were times when something happened and it was met with disapproval. We failed expectations and/ or to receive the acknowledgement we hoped for. We did something wrong. No matter how it occurs, as children we experienced we “failed to be good enough” somehow......to read more LETS TALK Living with your teens - and Winning Taken from: Saanich News, July 12, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Last column I suggested living with teens is a call to parents to learn a whole new set of skills. These new skills and practices results, over time, in an entirely new manner of relating with your young person. So, what are some of these new attitudes and skills? Robert and Jean Bayard in their book “How to Handle Your Acting Up Teenager” answer this question identifying two essential skills for parents living with their teens. They begin by suggesting that if you’re having troubles with your teens then you are probably doing one (or both) of two things: One) You are failing as a parent at a job that is rightfully yours - to make your own life happy. And/ or Two) You are failing to get out of your youngsters life and turn back responsibility for their life to them. This first skill is all about taking care of your well being. There are so many ways we can “lose ourselves” with our children.............to read more LETS TALK A Method in the madnesss Taken from: Saanich News, June 21, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Dear Paul It’s a total struggle between me and my 14 year old these days. He doesn’t listen. He ignores his responsibilities. We quarrel over almost anything. Sometimes he is rude and angry then disappears to his room for hours. We are all miserable. What can I do? Gail First of all, Gail, if it’s any comfort, you are not alone. These challenges are occurring in lots of family homes; many parents are experiencing the very same struggles as you are. Most people do not to speak openly about the conflicts and disenchantment that can be so much a part of adolescent family life. Many parents simply bear these stresses and frustrations privately. It can be an unsettling difficult time. Why? Because nothing matters as much to us as our relationship with our children. We are so invested and committed. We have so many cherished hopes, dreams, and expectations for our children. And just when we are hoping and expecting a new kind of ease in companionship with our growing-up youngster, the relationship suddenly becomes messy, entangled, and emotionally charged. This leaves many parents feeling hurt and disappointed. Further, when confronted with this kind of conflict, we can become very critical of ourselves..........to read more LETS TALK Responding to Gossip Taken from: Saanich News, June 14, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Dear Paul Things can get so crazy in our family. My brother calls me to complain about dad. My sister phones me and crabs about my brother. When I’m with mom and dad they tell me how frustrated they feel with my sister. What’s going on here? Diana Dear Diana, What you are hearing is the result of conflicts amongst members of your family that are not being attended to. This is frequently how we are in the face of conflict. We avoid conflict. It is my view that learning to resolve conflict is the next big breakthrough in the curriculum for being human. The world is calling on us to learn new ways. What’s going on here you say? Human beings have fundamentally three basic “conditioned” styles while reacting to conflict – all of them ineffective. The first is aggressive. This implies, when faced with differences or threat, we blame or we attack. We are “right” and make the other person wrong in some way. Whether we are cool, controlled and rational, or emotional and openly upset, blaming or finding fault, is still aggressive and doesn’t work very well. The chief feature of the aggressive style is doing harm - doing harm to another’s good feelings or to their image of themselves. The pay-off of being aggressive is we briefly get to feel strong, expressed, and right. The cost to us for being aggressive is a clear loss in our experience of affinity, aliveness, and sense of connection with the other person. The second way of being in the face of conflict is passive. Passive implies when faced with differences or conflict we withdraw, ignore, deny, or minimize the conflict...........to read more LETS TALK New Path of Learning Taken from: Saanich News, April 26, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Dear Paul I’ve been married several times and I admit my anger has caused lots of trouble in my relationships. I’m now in my third marriage. I love my wife, and I want to know - can someone really change something like this? Dwayne Dear Dwayne Can someone learn to live with and manage their anger? Of course, they can. You’re already making a big step towards change when you take responsibility for your anger and the troubles it has caused in your life. That is a great starting place. Furthermore, you’re right, anger causes real mischief in a relationship. Unchecked anger brings fear, distance, protection, and resentment - forces which ultimately make trust, openness, and intimacy, near impossible. To master our feelings and expression of anger there’s lots to understand. Anger manifests itself in various ways. It can be projected externally; it can be held or stored inwardly. The outward dumping of anger on another is blame. The inward holding of anger is resentment. Many people see anger as wrong, dangerous or destructive. However, looking closer, one can see it isn’t being angry that creates problems. Problems emerge when we use our anger in attempts to control, blame, or punish another.........to read more LETS TALK How are we doing with our kids? Taken from: Saanich News, April 5, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Sometimes disturbing observations and difficult questions invite us to ponder and re-evaluate. Such is the case with a fascinating book I came across not long ago – titled The Epidemic, written by Dr. Robert Shaw, a practicing psychiatrist from Berkeley, California. Basing his views on a lifetime of observation as a family psychiatrist, Dr. Shaw asserts that North America’s present generation of parents are raising an epidemic of self-centered, sullen, undisciplined children ( Read: brats). He suggests that far too many of today’s children are rude, quarrelsome, irresponsible, indulged, self-absorbed, and generally unprepared to face the rigors of life........to read more LETS TALK Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right Taken from: Saanich News, March 15, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Dear Paul I’m 28 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend over 3 years. When the topic of our future comes up I get panicky. I feel overwhelmed with uncertainty. How do I know if he is the right person? How does anyone know if they’ve found the right person.? Susan Dear Susan, What a great question. Yes, how do you ever know if you’ve found the right person? My initial reply? There is no right person. And, if they are the right one, I can assure you that once you are together for a while they will become the wrong one. This is the nature of relationship. To quote Will Rogers: “It doesn’t much matter whom one marries for you are sure to find out the next morning that it was someone else!” So what’s going on here? Every marriage therapist will tell you that disappointment is the aftermath of romance, that when we marry the ideals and mood of romance quickly give way to the conditions of reality. Couples experience disillusionment. Conflicts, differences, appear. “He doesn’t make me feel the way he used to............to read more LETS TALK Relationship - A Matter of Distinctions Taken from: Saanich News, February 22, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Many relationship columns in the newspaper begin with a letter outlining a challenging personal problem then ending with a call for help. Something like: “Dear Ann. I just married a man twice my age, and his mother is now sleeping in our living room, and he’s gone fishing with his friends for a week and his lab dog is having puppies in our bedroom. I feel lost and confused. What should I do?” Then the columnist gives her or his advice. Isn’t that how it goes? Every one can give advice. It’s easy to give people advice. Anyone can tell another what they should do. For me, there is something very limiting about advice.......to read more LETS TALK Blame digs a deeper Hole Taken from: Saanich News, February 08, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor Dear Paul, I’m mad and upset. My husband was away for three days on business and didn’t call me once as he said he would. I feel hurt. I want to hurt back or run away. We have a good marriage but at the moment I feel quite crazy inside. Help. Carol Dear Carol I got it. There are times in our intimate relationships when things, big or small, really throw us. Something happens and we feel hugely upset - vulnerable, fearful, angry. As you said, a little crazy inside. We’ve all been there. Being in a relationship invites us to navigate our way through moments like this. What most people do when they’re feeling this way is “react.” It’s a mystery to me why we choose to communicate when we are in our most insecure and troubled state, when we are most upset. Yet we do. While reacting, the tendency is to blame. After all it was the other person’s actions that “made us” feel scared and hurt. So first, Carol, about blame.....to read more LETS TALK It's all Learning Taken from: Saanich News, January 18, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor I have a new exciting teacher in my life. My eleven-month-old granddaughter, Emma. We visit Emma every two weeks or so and I am amazed to see how much she learns between our visits. I watch as she begins to reach out, then grasp, objects. Then she learns to pull them towards her. She learns to hold objects with both hands, to turn them, and study them, and to direct them to her mouth. She masters that skill and moves on. Next visit I see her simply picking up her soother and putting it straight into her mouth then spinning it the right way up. Next time I come she puts the soother in MY mouth! It’s no surprise Emma is acquiring new skills so quickly. Everything she does in the world is learning......to read more LETS TALK Putting the "Happy" in the New Year Taken from: Saanich News, January 3, 2006 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Individual couple and Family Counsellor My sense is that being happy is a skill. Many don't see it that way. Many see it like if good things are happening in life then generally we're happy. If not-so-good things are happening in life then we're not happy. In this view being happy in the new year seems to depend on circumstances or personal luck. I dont see it that way. I consider being happy a real skill that we bring to life - a skill that calls for both our attention and practice. What is the practice that will give us a happy new year ? ....to read more... LETS TALK The Dream of Christmas Taken from: Saanich News December 23, 2005 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Registered Professional Counsellor I am sitting here, a week before Christmas, to write a column about the stresses many face this time of year - a communication to those who may be alone at Christmas, those struggling with their health or financial hardships. Those who have suffered losses of loved ones or are coping with depression at this time of year. This column was to address and support people going through these kinds of struggles. But I can’t (actually it’s more like, I won’t) bring myself to it. If truth be known, a week before Christmas, I would rather sit here and dream. There is this dream that Christmas is, and has always been for me, a sweet and wonderful dream. At this moment I just want to fall into the dream........to read more... LETS TALK The real Christmas present Taken from: Saanich News December 7, 2005 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. R.P.C. Registered Professional Counsellor Dear Paul, Christmas is coming soon and I’m already in a flap! It’s supposed to be a peaceful, happy family time and I feel tense and anxious. Do you have any suggestions to help me manage my growing anxiety? Joan I got it Joan. The holidays are upon us and you’re feeling stressed already. Well, you’re not alone. Millions of people suffer, usually quietly, from overwhelming tension and stress through the Christmas holiday. You wonder what has us so ”wound up” at this time of year? .............to read more... Lets Talk The heart of the human spirit Taken from: Saanich News September 21, 2005 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor The devastation and chaos wrought by Hurricane Katrina, the enormous loss of life caused by the South Asian Tsunami, the horror of 9/11, the epidemic of AIDS destroying families in Africa…. Shocks heard round the world. These are all scenes brought into our Saanich homes. Pictures that tug at our finely-held illusion of security and control. Moments when real events rip into peoples’ lives and tear apart their very foundations. Disasters remind us how little control we really do have.............to read more... Lets Talk The Art and Skill of forgiveness Taken from: Saanich News August 24, 2005 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Last column I wrote that in any marriage, no matter how good it is, people get into difficulty with one another. We make mistakes. Given this fact, there will be times when we will feel “grieved” and need the art and skill of simple forgiveness. To practice forgiveness intelligently, genuinely, is key not only to the success of our marriage but to our greater freedom and happiness in life. Why? Because anger and resentment, held in memory, are painful and troublesome. These feelings fester and begin to crowd out the feelings of appreciation and intimacy. With stored grievances and resentments, we begin to view one another in a more negative light. This creates a downward spiral, a lowering of the confidence and good will between partners....to read more... Lets Talk Cleaning up the mess- The skills of relationship Taken from: Saanich News August 10, 2005 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Dear Paul My wife and I had an upsetting quarrel the other night. So far this weekend we haven’t even spoken. I can’t stand it when we do this. We just seem to wait it out. I hate this distance between us. Any advice ? Brian Brian, your relationship, any relationship, is as strong as the actions and skills that you bring to it. If you have a satisfying relationship, it is evidence of your many skills. This quarrel calls for clear skilful actions. There are a few specific actions in relationship which are powerful and make all the difference in moments like this....!....to read more... Lets Talk Why can't we all just get along?! Taken from: Saanich News July 27, 2005 With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Dear Paul I like summer. It’s the kids being at home and their quarrelling I can’t stand. Last week we took a vacation and I didn’t know what would happen first - either my son or my daughter would kill each other or I’d do them both in! The quarrels, the bickering, the nit-picking. Help ! Sharon Yes Sharon, I remember Our children being at home over the summer months and those long vacation rides in the station wagon to the beautiful summer lake. “Cut it out ! Muuu-uuum , he pushed me!” “Hey get off of my side. Leave my pillow alone” ! “I didn’t say you could play my CD. Give it back.! ” “Dad, she’s sitting in my spot again!” Sometimes the lack of generosity and battles between siblings can be quite shocking. Childcare professionals call this “sibling rivalry”. Whatever it is called it can sure disrupt a peaceful home or well deserved vacation !....to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Making Choices Taken from: Saanich News July 6, 2005 Dear Paul Recently my 16 year old son told me that someone was at his school selling crystal meth. He says he could buy a pouch of marijuana in a heart beat. There’s some scary drugs around our kids these days. What do you say to parents worried about these kinds of temptations? Linda Well, Linda it’s a disturbing fact that we live in a drug-enchanted, drug-taking society. As an indicator, according to The Canadian Addiction Survey of 2004, almost 30% of 15-17 year-olds had a first experience with marijuana in the past year. Lots of young people test and experiment with new things, deliberately pushing the limits, so it’s not surprising that some of our young people will try illegal drugs. What can I say to parents regarding this situation?.... to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor The Science of Happiness II Taken from: Saanich News June 22, 2005 Last column I suggested that looking after our own happiness is one of the biggest challenges in a marriage. If both people, or even one person, can be responsible for their own happiness and satisfaction, you are well on your way to having a powerful relationship. Yet many of us don’t know how to experience happiness on a consistent basis. We simply have to look at the large number of Canadians presently using prescription medications to know that many of us are experiencing troubling stress in life. To many, life is a battlefield. What can we see that will empower us in this area??.... to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor The Science of Happiness Taken from: Saanich News June 8, 2005 Dear Paul Recently I had the thought that maybe I couldn’t be happy in my relationship for the simple reason that, if truth be told, I have little idea how to be happy - period. This thought shocked me... Brian Dear Brian, What a great insight. Yes, this could be one of the greatest challenges in a relationship - perhaps in life. To be responsible for our own sense of satisfaction, our own happiness, moment by moment, is big. Our happiness is something each of us must look after personally- for the simple reason no one else can. Or will. They’re busy looking after their own. So it’s up to us. How are we doing in this regard? Many people seem to be wrestling with life, surviving, or “braving on” in some way. Frequently exhausted and stressed through our days, we seem to have lost touch with our ease, our inner joy, our freedom to be. Life’s a battlefield. How has this happened?....to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor The Power of Listening Taken from: Saanich News May 11, 2005 In relationships there may be nothing more important to master than how we interact with one another when we have our upsets, differences, our grievances. So often our “personal reactions” take over and whether we become aggressive, upset or defensive, or passive, avoid or withdraw, these reactions cause much mischief between us and our partner. Last column we explored a new possible way to be in the face of conflict I called “being responsible”. It is a way in which we relate to moments of being upset as a call upon ourselves for a personal correction within. By exploring, questioning, and challenging what we are saying to ourself, what we believe to be true, that is causing our upset, we can look after our own internal state of well being. In this column I’d like to recognize one other way of being with moments of conflict - most particularly, being with moments when your partner is upset with you. That’s the most difficult one to be with isn’t it? When they are upset with us. What is this way ? Still. Being still....to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Being Responsible Works Taken from: Saanich News April 27, 2005 We have been talking about conflict in relationships. Differences. Upsets. And how human beings react in the face of conflict. I am convinced that there is nothing more important to master in our relationships than how we are with one another when we have our upsets, disappointments, hurts etc. In my last column we explored what it would be like to be an assertive communicator - straight- forward and clear, communicating our views or wants without judgements or doing any harm whatsoever to another. This is a senior skill. In this column we will explore another possible way to be in the face of conflict. It’s a pathway seldom practiced and perhaps not understood by many......to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Communication that works - Our personal challenge Taken from: Saanich News April 13, 2005 In the last column we explored the major ways human beings react in the face of conflict. The passive style, with the tendency to withdraw from conflict, to appease, give ones self up, leads to resentment. The aggressive approaches with attempts to use ones upset to try to control or change the other person produces defensiveness, hurt and protection. For the most part these ways don't work. They leave partners feeling dissatisfied, distanced and toughened. A new possibility emerges whas people begin to learn and practice effective ways to communicate when experiencing conflict.....to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Love the difference Taken from: Saanich News March 30, 2005 Dear Paul When my husband and I have our differences we are so quick to react to one another. He quarrels. I get into it. Then I withdraw. I hate this dance we do. We do this all the time and it's exhausting. Help. Donna Donna In a marriage actually in any relationship, we have signficant differences and lots of them. You and your partner have different needs, opinions, values, expectations, temperments etc. Differences are a natural part of being in relationship. The problems isn't that we have conflicts. The problem is how we are with one another when we are facing these differences...to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Making two families - one Taken from: Saanich News March 16, 2005 Dear Paul This is my second marriage. My present wife brought her two kids. I brought my two. It’s been over two years now and there’s still a huge gulf between us all. Sometimes it seems like we’re dragging the kids along side us kicking and screaming. Just what does it take to make two families one? Richard Dear Richard, Stats Canada reports that close to one out of every two marriages end in separation or divorce. Further, within five years of divorcing 89% of men and 79% of women remarry. And, of course, they bring their children along. That’s a lot of newly put-together families! My guess is that you hoped that your decision to marry would leave you all immediately transformed into this new and happily launched family. And then you ran smack into some harsh realities.to read more... Lets Talk With Paul Beckow. M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor What about me? When is it my turn? Taken from : Saanich News - March 2, 2005 Dear Paul, My experience in my family and my marriage has been anything but happy. It’s been never-ending work. One job after the other that I do for everyone else. Sometimes I feel like screaming, “What about me? When is it my turn?” Donna Dear Donna, In my column two weeks ago, I said that there is nothing more important in relationship than learning the art of making yourself happy. And it is an art. The truth is that some people make themselves very unhappy. One common way to make yourself unhappy is to deny or ignore yourself.... to read more... Let's Talk Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Taming the Gremlin Taken from: Saanich News- February 2, 2005 Dear Paul My husband and I feel stuck. We are both so quick to react to one another, to correct one another. We can quarrell over anything. We are tired and are spending less time together. We can't seem to stop this pattern. What's going on? Barb Barb, if I had a loonie for every time a client expressed this sentiment to me I'd be a very wealthy man. Whats going on you ask? Let me suggest something. If we look deeper into our selves and our life experience, we will see that there is within our nature as human beings an always-ready-to-spring "mechanism".....to read more... Paul Beckow M.Sc. Registered Professional Counsellor Taken from: Saanich News- January, 2005 What is with stress these days? Dear Paul Christmas was supposed to be joyful and festive. I found it hectic and difficult. I'm now back at work and majorly stressed. It feels like something's wrong with me. What is it with stress these days? Lynn It's quite evident stress is a significant problem for many of us today. You just have to look at how much money Canadians are spending on prescription drugs to see that stress is rampant. We have come to accept stress as a sign of the times, something we have to endure, to live with. Nothing is wrong with you Lynn. However something is missing in the way we understand stress.......to read more... LET'S TALK Not Everyone is Joyful at Christmas time December 2004 Taken from: Saanich News- December, 2004 Not everyone is joyful at Christmas time. For those who have lost someone precious and are facing Christmas without their loved one, Christmas can be a painful reminder of their loss. Regarding the death of his daughter, a close friend shared with me: "The truth for me was that the first Christmas without my daughter was almost harder to get through than the day she died, " he told me. "On the day we lost her,...to read more... LET's TALK Graduation - A time of hope and worry. Taken from: Saanich News, June 2004 Dear Paul High School graduation time is here. And that means a lot of proud and perhaps nervous parents. Over the years, our community has experienced deaths in some deeply-tragic accidents with young people drinking and driving. That scares me. What's a parent to do? Diane C Dear Diane, Thanks for reminding us of the risk that exists in Saanich, or in any community, during graduation time. We can't forget the painful reminder of past tragedies. Graduation is a wonderful tradition and yet we may ask ourselves: what can we do to ensure our children are safe? I can point out some things that parents can do..... to read more... LETS TALK Taking charge of our own well being Taken from: The Saanich news - March 2004 Dear Paul, Out of your experience working with couples what would you say is the most important skills in making a relationship work?" Les Dear Les, There is a skill that makes all the difference. Out of my counselling couples, I have noticed a big trouble-maker. It is this: most of us are not responsible for our feelings. What do I mean by that? I mean when we have uncomfortable or upsetting feelings we say "they did it." They "made us feel". We blame the other person. As an example, we come home late and there’s no dinner, we say, “I’ve worked late. And no dinner ready! You.... to read more... LETS TALK With special effort, divorce CAN work Taken from: The Saanich News February 2004 Dear Paul, My husband and I have decided to divorce and I am very worried about the impact on our three children. Can kids be okay in divorce? Deborah Dear Deborah, Certainly, children can be okay coming out of divorce. Fortunately, as divorce is common enough today. Presently, in Canada, over 40 % of marriages end in divorce. In any school classroom these days, you’ll find children from split, single, or blended families. Many children talk of having “two moms and two dads,” “being at Dad’s for the weekend,”.... to read more... LETS TALK The heart of the matter Taken from: The Saanich News, January 2004 In our lifetime, each one of us will lose someone we love. Losing someone special is a powerful experience, often leaving us touched and changed. Why is it that life's mysteries and secrets become so present to us when we lose someone? Somehow, death impacts us, and for a short moment we meet a truth deep within the very heart of life.... to read more... LETS TALK LETS TALK about Christmas Taken From: The Saanich News, December 2003 Dear Paul, Xmas is coming and I'm in a flap already! It's supposed to be a peaceful happy family time and I feel tense and anxious. Do you have suggestions to help me control this growing anxiety ? Help ! Joan Okay, Joan, the holidays are upon us and you're feeling stressed already. Well, you're not alone. Through Christmas, millions of people suffer, usually quietly, from overwhelming tension and stress. We can get a little "crazy" during Christmas. What has us so wound up?.... to read more... LETS TALK Taken from: The Saanich News, November 2003 Crisis can lead to a fresh new start Dear Paul Recently my wife told me she has been having an affair. Even though she was remorseful and told me the affair was over, I feel hurt and devastated. I feel like running and never stopping. We have two children. Tell me, can a couple ever recover from something like this? Bruce First of all, Bruce, I get your shock and your hurt. Surprises like this shake up your whole world.... to read more... LETS TALK Taken from: The Saanich News, September 2003 Relationship - Our School for Learning In my work as a marriage counsellor, I've been helping people work through their relationship difficulties and challenges for 20 years. People often ask me: "What in your opinion makes a relationship lasting and strong?" Identifying one single factor gives me the shivers! Of course there's the easy answers - Commitment, flexibility, open communication, compatibility, determination, luck.... to read more...		For personal or couple counselling, for more information, or to register for a course - please contact Paul Beckow at The Victoria Family Institute.

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